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skeptic-jungler:

brutuswayne:

replace boys with vibrators 2k14

I knew the machine war was coming. But not like this… never like this.

(via leavesomethingbeautiful)

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armanarlert:

if u know ur myers briggs personality type please check this out it is literally the coolest thing ever 

(Source: nonnbinary, via imperialimpala)

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inuis:

fantomeheart:

The only acceptable birthday cake

so when you blow out that candle you’ll be killing that charmander happy birthday u sick fuk

inuis:

fantomeheart:

The only acceptable birthday cake

so when you blow out that candle you’ll be killing that charmander happy birthday u sick fuk

(via lunsfuhd)

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(Source: memecenterz, via broriarty)

Tags: I...
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confectionerybliss:

S’mores Dip | Hungry Brownie
Tags: recipe
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fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

(Source: bellecs, via chezamanda)

Tags: hahahaha
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moiyoko:

Hello tumblr, it is me again. It looks like Kelloggs is doing another book deal from getting specially marked boxes of their products. So, I am enlisting the power of the internet once more to attempt to get books again since they haven’t banned me. The logo in the above image is what the products will have on the box and inside there will be a 16 digit code. Now, when you get three of those codes together you submit them online and they will send you a free Scholsatic book. Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m bringing this up, so here goes:

I taught first grade last year and got more than 200 books thanks to your help. My students were swimming in books and loving it. For this coming school year my principal has decided to place me in kindergarten, which means my students will be younger and coming to me with very little educational experience. These students have little to nothing. It is through generous donations (government, three square, various community partners, etc.) the kids get backpacks, clothes, shoes, free breakfast/lunch, and some school supplies. The school is not in the best part of town. I’ve had students who live with grandparents because their own parents are in jail, kids who have parents that don’t have custody over them for various reasons, and so on and so forth. Now I am trying to instill a love of reading in my kids, but they literally don’t have any books at home that they can use to practice their reading. Sure they get a library book from the school library at the halfway point in the school year (because they are so young) but it’s not the same, you know? They don’t own the book, it’s not theirs. 

Here’s where you come in. If you happen to buy one of these specially marked boxes and don’t plan on using the code please send me that code through my ask box. If 60 people on here send me a code I’ll be able to get 20 books, which will easily allow me to get each of my students a brand new book of their own on the first day of school! Now my kindergarten students likely won’t be reading when I get them, but getting them used to holding a book and learning how to treat a book will be great so that when they do learn how to read midway through the year they have experience with a book. I used the Clifford books above because Clifford has great stories to teach about sharing, caring, and interacting with others while utilizing sight words as well. Even if you have no codes, I’d appreciate the signal boost as well.

So, if you happen to get a code please send it my way. I would appreciate it and so would my kids. I can’t take their picture with the books but I can have them write you thank you notes with excellent illustrations. They’re going to be five years old so expect something adorable. This promotion is going until 3/31/15, so there’s plenty of time and getting books throughout the school year would be fantastic! Thanks again for even reading this. (:

(via trystings)

Tags: signal boost
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(Source: kittynessweir, via devildoll)

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tastefullyoffensive:

Case closed. [@neiltyson]